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I don't see the bones people are fussing about. Not a disordered sort of blindness, but unable. It's not that I can mention it, respond to them, because there's no one I can tell without causing the usual frictions. Seeing the numbers decrease each morning, it's made me scared, but at the same time, I wanted to see it. If I'm honest with myself, I'd rather exist in words, on paper, in memories, but not as me. I'm less of me every morning, it's insisting, and I'd be fine with that, if I could see it. I don't want to die, but not to have existed at all, that sounds a little better. Like undoing things, sort of.
I'm not sure I was ever just myself to others. "Too much", "too small", "too emotional", "too quiet". But not just me as me. I missed the day I was simply normal, somehow. I wanted someone to accept what's here. I wanted to hear, "no, you're as you should be", from them, once. So, then I thought, "don't disappear, you", because I'd miss hearing it if I did. I'm stuck in the adolescent me, same faced from a decade or so, waiting on something to change that isn't some part of me. I hear frustration, and disgust when people talk about these bones that I can't see, or touch, or honestly can't find to measure, though I was certain, because I was "too something or other" before, that I'd done something right this time.
Now it's "too little" again, and I've messed something up, made people upset with me, though I wish I wasn't anyone, just words to eventually erase, because I can't seem to get it right.
I'm tired so much. It's a tired body that hates this and that and whatever, and so many things I need to feed it. Some of it's me, I understand, but it's done the rest of it, rejecting things, not sleeping when I want it to. I can't force it, I guess, but it'd be nice to be nothing for a while. To hear nothing about me at all, and feel fine as I am.
I'm not sure I was ever just myself to others. "Too much", "too small", "too emotional", "too quiet". But not just me as me. I missed the day I was simply normal, somehow. I wanted someone to accept what's here. I wanted to hear, "no, you're as you should be", from them, once. So, then I thought, "don't disappear, you", because I'd miss hearing it if I did. I'm stuck in the adolescent me, same faced from a decade or so, waiting on something to change that isn't some part of me. I hear frustration, and disgust when people talk about these bones that I can't see, or touch, or honestly can't find to measure, though I was certain, because I was "too something or other" before, that I'd done something right this time.
Now it's "too little" again, and I've messed something up, made people upset with me, though I wish I wasn't anyone, just words to eventually erase, because I can't seem to get it right.
I'm tired so much. It's a tired body that hates this and that and whatever, and so many things I need to feed it. Some of it's me, I understand, but it's done the rest of it, rejecting things, not sleeping when I want it to. I can't force it, I guess, but it'd be nice to be nothing for a while. To hear nothing about me at all, and feel fine as I am.
